This year marks my 3 year anniversary as a stay at home mom. Making the decision to stay at home was not an easy one to make. I tried to think about all options and weigh pros and cons for both. Speaking with my mother did NOT help, she is a "don't let a man support you", "make sure you can take care of yourself", "you never know what the future holds so be prepared" kind of gal. So when I brought up the idea of staying home she was against it from the very beginning. She didn't want Jacob to support us financially because she felt I would have no say in anything. Jacob and I finally made the decision (on our own) that the best thing for our family would be for me to stay home with our little one. Even though Jacob and I made the decision together as a family, I felt very GUILTY about not being able to help my husband financially. I knew he would have to carry a big burden on his own and that caused great amounts of guilt. Jacob doesn't complain or even admit to the "burden" but I know it was there.
Due to this guilt I decided to apply for part time jobs with reputable companies (if I was going to work I wanted to make sure it was worth it). But no one called. I was fine with that because at least I felt I was "trying" to help. Low and behold SDG&E called me right before Christmas and asked me if I was interested in a part time job. My initial reaction was NO but then Jacob and I discussed it and I figured it wouldn't hurt to at least interview, right? WRONG... I got the job! Which is a good and bad thing. I love the idea of returning to work and actually contributing financially to our family, since this job pays fairly well and has GREAT opportunity for advancement. We might be able to move out of our shoe box and into a bigger home... eventually. This will only be a part time job (after a 6 week full time training), so I should be able to be home with Nevaeh most days out of the week... or at least some days out of the week. Also, I enjoy working and learning new things.... BUT
Now we have to put Nevaeh in a new school. One that can take her full time (due to the training). I feel horrible pulling her out of her school, which she LOVES. We have been discussing her "new" school for a while and the fact that today would be the last day of her "old" school. She seemed to understand and all was well until I took her to school this morning. Maybe it is just my pregnancy hormones but I started to cry, she is so happy at this school. She loves her friends and teachers and now I am going to take her out... am I being selfish?
Here is were the "new" guilt comes in. Now I feel guilty about going to work and disrupting Nevaeh's life. This is a really good thing for our family because although we have been able to make it with one income ... we have only been able to make it. Now with a 2nd incomes we will be able to make some progress, which is needed with a new baby on the way.
When does the guilt end? Does it ever end? Am I not giving Nevaeh enough credit? She has adjusted very well so far. Am I not giving myself enough credit?
