Guilt, job, preschool and more guilt

This year marks my 3 year anniversary as a stay at home mom.  Making the decision to stay at home was not an easy one to make.  I tried to think about all options and weigh pros and cons for both.  Speaking with my mother did NOT help, she is a "don't let a man support you", "make sure you can take care of yourself", "you never know what the future holds so be prepared" kind of gal.  So when I brought up the idea of staying home she was against it from the very beginning.  She didn't want Jacob to support us financially because she felt I would have no say in anything.  Jacob and I finally made the decision (on our own) that the best thing for our family would be for me to stay home with our little one.  Even though Jacob and I made the decision together as a family, I felt very GUILTY about not being able to help my husband financially.  I knew he would have to carry a big burden on his own and that caused great amounts of guilt.  Jacob doesn't complain or even admit to the "burden" but I know it was there.

Due to this guilt I decided to apply for part time jobs with reputable companies (if I was going to work I wanted to make sure it was worth it).  But no one called.  I was fine with that because at least I felt I was "trying" to help.  Low and behold SDG&E called me right before Christmas and asked me if I was interested in a part time job.  My initial reaction was NO but then Jacob and I discussed it and I figured it wouldn't hurt to at least interview, right?  WRONG... I got the job!  Which is a good and bad thing.  I love the idea of returning to work and actually contributing financially to our family, since this job pays fairly well and has GREAT opportunity for advancement.  We might be able to move out of our shoe box and into a bigger home... eventually.  This will only be a part time job (after a 6 week full time training), so I should be able to be home with Nevaeh most days out of the week... or at least some days out of the week.  Also, I enjoy working and learning new things.... BUT

Now we have to put Nevaeh in a new school.  One that can take her full time (due to the training).  I feel horrible pulling her out of her school, which she LOVES.  We have been discussing her "new" school for a while and the fact that today would be the last day of her "old" school.  She seemed to understand and all was well until I took her to school this morning.  Maybe it is just my pregnancy hormones but I started to cry, she is so happy at this school.  She loves her friends and teachers and now I am going to take her out... am I being selfish?

Here is were the "new" guilt comes in.  Now I feel guilty about going to work and disrupting Nevaeh's life.  This is a really good thing for our family because although we have been able to make it with one income ... we have only been able to make it.  Now with a 2nd incomes we will be able to make some progress, which is needed with a new baby on the way.  

When does the guilt end?  Does it ever end?  Am I not giving Nevaeh enough credit?  She has adjusted very well so far.  Am I not giving myself enough credit?  


6 comments:

Bruce Leroy said...

You have done a great job with her while staying at home the past 3 years. It wasn't easy, but we do what we have to do, right? I still remember the talk about you staying home and if we could do it, but it wasn't a matter of "if" we could do it, we just had to do it and make it happen.

Life is full of changes and learning new things and you getting this job and Nevaeh starting another school is just another chapter in this wonderful book called Life. She will adjust just fine and love her teachers as she loves Mrs. Rowells and will meet another "Josh" and "Kate" at her new school.

Try not to cry too hard when you pick her up. :)

The Lees said...

I can understand what you are talking about. I worked full time with Grace and had to move her daycare once. The cost went up to $1450/month, so we could not swing that to long on a postdoc salary. She did fine with the new school. Actually we liked it better and wished we would had just started her there in the first place. And I am just as close to Grace when I was working full time as I am now.

You have and will continue to be a great mom for Nevaeh and the new little one. The evidence for your great parenting is easily seen in how Nevaeh has turned out.

inTRISHting creations said...

You've done a spectacular job and will continue to do so.
I feel you on the whole burden of raising a family on one income and how nice it would be to buy Bruce Leroy a gift that he didn't (technically) buy himself.
While I was working I would do everything I could to make sure I spent a lot of QT with Jessalyn. Every weekend we were on the road on some great adventure. Even if I were going to the gym or had to put in some extra hours at the office, I'd bring her along. So long as I could see and interact with her, I was okay.
The guilt thing is part of being a mom... and being raised Catholic. =P

Judy said...

Oh Jenn. I am sorry that you are struggling with this and I don't have much advice since I have always been a stay at home Mom with Molly.

I will say this though (of course):
You are an AWESOME Mommy and I can see that in Nevaeh. The fact that you are torn just proves how very difficult it is for you and how very much you love and adore her and your time with her. Hey, I think in this day and age, living in SOCAL, if you are able to stay at home you are blessed. It's so incredibly expensive to live there and I think what you are doing is great. I think it's awesome that you had three years!

I think you and Jacob seem to have a solid, loving, communicative relationship-and that will speak volumes to Nevaeh (it already does) when she sees the fruits of your labor.

Congrats on the job and just like everyone said, you are doing a great thing for your family! Give YOURSELF enough credit. =)

Mageo Crew said...

Thanks everyone!! I appreciate all the kind words and positive attitudes!! I know Nevaeh will do well no matter what, she adjusts very quickly to everything, she always has. I on the hand might take a little longer to get used to this whole idea of being a working mom.
But I do feel so much better after visiting her new school... and Melissa, I might feel like you did... this school seems better than the last!

BTW, I didn't cry (much) when I picked her up on her last day!

Jennifer-Lynn said...

No. I don't think it ever gets easier. But you are a loving mother who is suffering short term pain (separation, upheaval, etc)for long term gain (financial security, a higher standard of living for your family, etc.). And that, my dear friend, makes you a wonderful wife and mother. Jacob and Nevaeh (and the one on the way) are truly blessed.

Hugs to you... :)